Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex but Were Afraid to Ask

Hello Party People!

So we realized that while our collective bio and video did provide some helpful insight into our lifestyle, I would like to take this opportunity to elaborate on the crazy that we're bring.

Brian, The Old Funny One
Brian, at heart, is a post-menopausal woman with Osteoporosis and in desperate need of a catheter bag. Today, he also was having some serious hearing problems that Lauren suspected was the result of the hearing aid being turned up too loudly. We always fear that if we leave Brian - or more correctly, "Dorothy" - alone in the room we will return to one of those "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up" scenes. Brian has a love for snuggies, a hatred for the North, and does not enjoy walking anywhere...without his walker or jazzie scooter. Brian, like all cranky old women, hates children and drools in his sleep. He's no friend to the environment and considers his primary hobby to be torturing pedestrians with grape-tossing.

Lauren, The Smelly Cheesy One
Lauren hails from the "Glorious Hall of White," located in the greater Allentown area. Fun fact about Lauren is she once tried to enter the Miss Teen Pennsylvania contest, only to be denied due to the fact that her only sponsor for the $1,000 entry fee was a nice Arab man at the nearest gas station who gave her $10 every Friday...more like Miss Exxon, but nice try Lauren. Now happily 21, Lauren has formed a "donk" second to none, so voluptuous in its nature that you can literally balance tea cups on it. She eats enough cheese to keep the state of Wisconsin in business and considers belching to be detox for the soul. Lauren does not enjoy underwear or anything labeled "fat free," "organic," or "all natural." Brian often encourages Lauren to increase her hygienic maintenance, notably creating a function for her showering habits: Y = 2K (where Y is the ideal rate of showering and K is the current rate of showering). In short, Lauren does not like anything Brian likes and Brian does not like Lauren.

Chris, The Crazy Egomaniac
To quote his idol, Chris is a true superstar, superstar and he knows what you areee, what you are baby. Chris has broken everything with a battery, including three separate Grand Prixs multiple times, his computer countless times, his cell phones too many times to count, and the computers in the Computer Science wing of his school, temporarily sending a small Asian child into a tizzy of "Blue Screen! Blue Screen!" Neither Pontiac, Best Buy, Verizon, or Lafayette enjoy seeing him pop up on Caller ID. Hailing from Rochester, NY, Chris considers anything below Binghamton to be the South and thinks a really great vacation spot is Toronto. In his spare time - which, in truth, is most of his time - Chris enjoys torturing sales clerks, sipping on Andre with Lady GaGa, and planning his next adventure. We are certain however that the Fiesta can take whatever Chris throws at it. Chris is bringing back the fanny pack people, go get yours at American Apparel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!